Sunday, May 8, 2011

This Mother's Day

Prompted by Today's Quote.
Gut-wrenching sobs, just one, or sometimes just the thought of one, leads to a relief like after that good dump that finally removes the rocks from your stomach.

Sometimes just a burst of anguish--if just for a second--before resurfacing typically stoic can make all the difference.

When my pumpkin was barely two, I would viscerally ache -gut-wrenching ache- the nights that he stayed at his Dad's. Momminess was blazing, I physically yearned for my child; there is such a thing as heartache.

Tears can help too, it turns out, to acknowledge and express the anguish. Just because you didn't cause it (allegedly) and can't control it, doesn't mean it can't make you sad.

On my first Mother's Day, my pumpkin was about 10 lbs and about two weeks old. He, his Dad and I went out to brunch at Heart and Soul on 8th St. It was our first outing.  I managed to stay in the buffet line long enough to spoon some grits onto my empty plate; then I gave up on the line and scurried back to the table where my barely even perceptible, wee baby boy snoozed in the baby carrier at the table with Daddy.  My gut compelled  my feet :  I had to be between him and the world.

The umbilical cord was cut, I swear- I was there!

It didn't seem overprotective. it was the least I could do. There comes a point (and all too soon) when you can't protect them at all; not even from themselves.
Still, despite all conscious realities, there's an invisible, impervious tether that keeps you hovering, hoping frustrated to no end; persisting, despite all evidence, that you are powerless now, you can't control these outcomes.

Why cry, though, really? For someone else's suffering bad consequences as a result their own bad -- despite well-informed-- choices? What?  You don't have enough  bad choices of your own to lament? Must be nice.  Crying out of shame?  What's it to you?

The reason for the tears is elusive.

Sobs vent all the frustration and anger; blend with tears to add fear, mix head shakes for bafflement and disappointment.

Just weeping is simply resignation.

After all the outlet covers, stair gates, organic food, booster seats, helmets, knee pads, violin lessons, drums, aau basketball, parent-teacher conferences, soccer, chess, awards, bedtime stories, singalongs, word games, warnings, lectures, penalty, pleading, bargaining, punishment, psychologizing, philosophising, weeping is all you can do.

Parenting. It's not for sissies.  Happy Mother's Day.

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